I'm My Own Worst Enemy

I was browsing mom blogs last night, and came upon a whole site for working mothers. I am currently a SAHM, something that I didn't go into all that willingly, but it made sense for our situation. I was working in the social services industry, which means I was making a slave wage. I liked the work, and spent a lot of time and money getting a degree in that field, but would never make enough to cover childcare for two young kids. Plus, I've worked in daycares, and I just don't want that for my children.

My mom would happily watch them for me, and I like that alternative (and am incredibly lucky to have it), but then we moved to another state...stayed a year, and moved again. I haven't had time to find professional contacts here, and I have a long gap in my employment history now that I've been home for 3+ years. Therein lies the dilemna for moms-if you take time off for your kids, the gap in work history hurts you. In this economy, there's just too much competition from people who have been working steadily, and they don't have to deal with someone who's been wiping snot and cleaning shitty butts for years.

So, back to the working moms blog (sorry for no link. I didn't save the address). I read through some of it, and started to feel so bad about staying home. They weren't insulting toward stay at home moms, it was an internal thing. I'll admit that I often feel bad about the fact I stay home. I feel like I never get to challenge my brain, that spending so much time with my kids works me to my last nerve and I'm short tempered with them. I miss having an outside job with coworkers and a desk and a title and business cards. I miss accomplishing goals that are my own, and working on projects. I miss being able to talk about what I do when someone asks my profession (trust me, nobody but other SAHM's give a crap about what you do all day when you stay home with your kids).

I love my kids beyond words, and they are my first priority. I think I'm doing good things with them, and I love being here for all of their "stuff" (i.e. making playdate friends, all their firsts, making sure they're eating food that I approve of that don't contain HFCS or Red 40). I like e-mailing my husband funny photos of them during the day. I like playing in the pool at 10AM, or running to Target for a popcorn combo whenever the kids and I want to.

My son has a lot of anxiety about being left anywhere, and when we tried pre-school, it was a disaster. If that's something we continue to fight as he nears kindergarten, I'll delay going back to work even longer in order to homeschool him (and my daughter, if need be). But I miss working. When I read about working moms, I feel inferior.

Being a mom is very, very hard. Working moms and stay at home moms have the same struggles when it comes to parenting, and each have their own unique problems that the other group doesn't worry about. That's life, and having kids is worth it.

Still, though, I'm glad the kids don't give me performance reviews. Shiver.